What To Do When Your Kid Back Talks

Kids start back talk at around age two. With words like NO, they try to get out of things they don’t want to do, or sometimes they simply want to test the limits and see what they can get away with. Back talk is a delicate issue; when kids start doing so, it’s always best not to fire back with the same attitude or even worst. Instead, let the tension settle down, then find a way to resolve this issue, let your kid understand that it is not ok to talk to you in that way.

Why Kids Back Talk

Kids back talk for several reasons. Depending on the situation and environment you find yourself, your kid may be angry, afraid, frustrated, or feeling neglected, perhaps due to changes that took place at home. It could be a change in your work schedule leaving you with less time to spend with him/her, a newborn in the family, etc.

Below are a few common reasons:

1. Attention

Kids sometimes back talk to get attention from their parents; this is often because they feel neglected or left out. When you are so focused on your job that you spend less time with your kid, you’re almost always too tired to read a bedtime story or even ask about school. This might lead to back talk from your child, because in a way the back talk will give him/her some kind of attention, and that is better than no attention at all.

2. Bad Example at Home

Back talk also stems from what kids see and hear around the home. If you as a parent speaks in a certain kind of way to your spouse or even your own kids, chances are they will pick up the habit too. Kids learn by observing and listening, every element in the environment at home has an influencing factor on the child’s behavior. So it is good to watch how you talk your kids and to your spouse around them.

3. External Influence

Kids are curious and therefore easily influenced by the things they see other people do or say to each other, most of which they are likely to try. If for example your kid went to visit his friend and while playing a game his friend’s mum walked in and says “boys, you have been on that game long enough, it’s time to do your homework” and his friend replied “yeah, whatever”, there is a high chance that he might use the same line on you some day. Another external influencing factor is Television, the kind of movies and programs your kid watches and the language content of such movies and programs may also influence your kid to engage in back talk.

3. Testing the Limits

For some kids, back talk is just another way of testing how much they can get away with. This is very common in kids and how you react to them determines whether this new attitude will continue or not. Kids also use back talk to get out of things they don’t want to do, like chores, homework or doing the dishes.

How to Put a Stop to Back Talk

It is good to set boundaries and limits for your kids because when your kid learns that he/she can get away with anything he/she says, you will be in big trouble. The very first time your kid starts back talk is when you set the boundaries. Because the longer you entertain this behavior, the more difficult it will become for you to put a stop to it.

1. Find the Cause

Find out what is triggering the behavior, maybe your kid is imitating something he/she saw on the TV, or something he heard a friend say, or maybe a change in your work schedule has lessened your time together or a new born in the family is making him/her feel neglected and left out, or perhaps he/she is simply tasting the boundaries to see how much he/she can get away with.

2. Don’t Over React

Keep your composure, don’t over react, or get into power struggle with your kid over his/her choice of words or tone of voice. Don’t respond in a harsh way either, for example saying things like “come on, don’t be such a brat” will not solve the problem. Instead be calm and tell your kid that he/she can find a better way to say the things he/she wants to say.

3. Be a Good Example

Perhaps the most important thing that can change back talk behaviors is to be a good example for your kids as a parent. Watch the way you speak to your kids and your spouse, kids pick a lot, if not all, of their habits from the home, from their parents, and siblings. This is where they learn what is appropriate and what is not. So, be the example you want to see in your kids.

4. Get Behind the Back Talk

When you child lashes back at you, let them know that you care about their feelings. When they claim that you “don’t get it”  make them understand that you do get their anger and frustration, but that doesn’t make it ok to talk to you in that manner. Help them find a way to talk about their feelings in a more calm and respectful manner. Let your kid know that you are listening, and that what he/she has to say matters. Make your kid understand that there is always another way.

5. Set the Limits

Make your kid understand what kind of behaviors are accepted around the house. Make it clear that it is not appropriate for him/her to speak to you in a certain way. They have to know what behaviors are off-limits and this is something you cannot tolerate, negotiate or compromise on, you have to be as decisive as possible and stand your ground no matter what. This will make it clear to your child that when you say “A”, you mean exactly “A”. Remember to be calm but firm in your words, don’t yell or shout, but be as firm as you can be.

6. Offer Choices

Give a chance to your kid to have a say in some of the things that regulate his/her day, give them some kind of power, some control. This will make them feel valued. Give plenty of appropriate opportunities to make choices. Be sure to offer acceptable choices, and respect the ones they make. You can’t tell your kid to make a choice between ice cream and fruit juice only to ask him/her to eat the vegetables instead.

7. Know When to Turn a Deaf Ear

If your kid becomes insistently nasty, don’t negotiate, compromise or even discuss his/her options with him/her. This will only reinforce the behavior. Briefly and calmly let your kid know that insisting on being nasty does not cut it. Make it clear that contentious bad behavior will have consequences, like taking a few privileges off the table, for example missing a favorite TV show, canceling a sleepover etc.

8. Find Time to Connect With Your Kid

It always good to have some child-parent bonding time with your kids, it makes them feel loved and valued. Attention and affection is something kids always crave from their parents, so be sure to give some to your kid. Find time to talk to kids and listen to their concerns, it brings you closer and this will make them trust you and tell you when something is bordering them.

9. Recognize and Encourage Good Behavior

Kids, like adults, like to be recognized and appreciated for the good things they do. When your kid does something good, don’t miss the chance to recognize, appreciate and encourage him/her. Kids who get noticed with hugs and compliments when they do something right, and who spend even just a few minutes of positive quality time with their parents every day are less likely to act out for your attention.

Conclusion

Despite the fact that back talk seems all disrespectful and rude, it is not entirely bad, as a matter of fact, it is good for your child to talk back at you in some way. The manner in which this exchange of words takes place will of course have to be regulated, yet it is necessary for your kid to be independent and form an opinion of his/her own on matters regarding his/her own life. As such, reasonable within the boundaries back talk is something you as a parent should encourage. This behavior demonstrates that kids are standing their ground, refusing to be pushed over or be dragged around blindly. If a kid cannot say no to anything, instead simply follows the pack around or does whatever he/she is told without question no matter how inappropriate, degrading or unfair, it is entirely bad for the development of the child. Remind yourself that this is part of growing up and that it is perfectly normal for kids to behave in this way, but within reasonable and respectful bounds and limit.