Usually, when the issue of bullying comes up, people are almost always more focused on the victim and not the perpetrator. The idea that it is the parents of the victim, who should find out why their child is been bullied and find help for him/her, is unfair. Bullying is a problem and to solve it we need to find out why the perpetrators do what he/she does (bullying), and find a way to make them stop.
Why Do Children Bully?
There is no single profile that generally describes why children become bullies; the reasons vary from child to child, depending on the situation. Below are some of the reasons that turn children into bullies:
1. Bullied at home
Children who are bullied at home by their parents tend to carry the habit around with them. It becomes a custom—a kind of rule for them. To them, the only way to get what you want is through force, by being aggressive and/or violence because that is how it is done at home. Like everyone else, children also learn from experience, the way they are treated home by their parents is exactly how they will treat others outside.
2. Children with little power at home
Children, who have little or no power at all at home tend to find some kind of power somewhere else. Because they are not empowered at home or abused by either their parents or older sibling, they turn to bully to fill this void of powerlessness. Sometimes it also stems from situations where they frequently witness one of their parents bullying the other and they can’t do anything about it.
3. Invisible kids
Children who are invisible to their parents may turn into bullies simply because they are often forgotten and not sufficiently cared for. Children need attention and affection from their parents, they need to feel loved and approved. When this is lacking, they fell the need to be approved by others. This question for attention seeking is what turns some of them into bullies.
4. Spoilt kids
Sometimes, parents give too much to their children. This is not a bad thing, it is okay to love your children and give them everything they ever want, but this has to go with teaching them responsibility and respect for others. Children who are over spoilt and raised without rules to follow or limitations as to what they should and should not do, feel entitled and all-powerful. These children may feel that they have a right to bully others because they feel superior and see other kids as less important.
5. Kids without empathy
Sometimes kids are born and raised by amazing parents, given enough love and attention and all the breathtaking experience that comes with having the perfect parents, yet these kids become bullies. These kids simply lack empathy, and are obsessed with domination, possessiveness and love power.
6. Popular kids
Popularity in school sometimes makes some kids aggressive. As they climb the social hierarchy ladder in school their behavior changes, they see those below them as less important and therefore step on them.
7. It is cool
Surprisingly, some kids believe that bullying makes them cool. They do it to show off, to seek attention and fame. Perhaps the most shocking part of this is the fact that some parents think that it is cool too. They find it amusing when their kid is the bully instead of the victim. Some parents even tend to encourage this behavior.
How to Help Your Child Stop Bullying
Bullying is a problem, however, it helps to remember that kids who bully are still kids, and they have reasons for acting in such a way. Recognizing this fact will make you realize that they need help and guidance from adults. Kids who bully often lack healthy social behavior, empathy or coping skills. This can lead to lifelong relationship problems, bad parenting, and even problem with the law. To help these kids, here is a series of steps you can follow.
1. Admit that your child is a bully
The first and most important step in helping your child stop bullying is to accept and admit that your child has a problem. The first reaction of most parents when they are told that their children are bullies is denial. You have to understand that as a parent, you can help your child, and to do this, you need to take immediate action. Be calm, being aggressive will not solve the situation it will only worsen it, take your time, and take it one step at a time.
2. Find the cause
Try to find out why your child is behaving in that way. Talk to the victim, listen to what others have to say about your child, and most importantly, talk to your child. Don’t aggressively confront him/her, be as calm as you can and have an open conversation with him/her.
3. Explain the consequences of bullying and teach empathy
Make the child understand that bullying causes pain and harm to both the bully and the victim. But most importantly, try to explain to the child how it would feel if he/she was at the receiving end of aggression and violence. Explain the feelings of the other child (victim) to your child (the bully) make him/her understand and care about the feelings of others.
4. Establish responsibility and accountability at home
It is important to have a culture of accountability and responsibility at home. Your child should be accountable to you; how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings and the rest of the family at home. Because they had a bad day, it doesn’t mean they can behave anyhow they want or treat anyone anyhow. Teach your child to take responsibility for their actions. Don’t let them get away with excuses, bullies will always find a way to blame others and justify their actions, and many times they really believe the justifications they give, they believe what they think. So you have to challenge their excuses and make them understand that it is not ok to pick on other for no reason.
5. Be a good example at home
As a parent, it is on you to set a good example for your kids at home. Watch the way you talk to your kids at home, to your partner, be careful how you handle conflict at home and how you react when someone does something wrong. If you behave aggressively toward your kids, chances are they will do the same to others too. When conflict arises at home, be calm and open about your feelings and frustration, and be positive. Always remember that the example you set at home is what your children will follow.
6. Get to know your child’s social life
Try to find out the factors influencing your child’s behavior in the school environment, or wherever it is the bullying is occurring. Talk to his/her friends and peers, teachers, guidance counselors, school principals and even therapists if necessary.
7. Encourage good behavior
Instead of giving negative punishment to your child, try to reinforce positive behavior. Teach your kids to be good and to behave good, and when they do good things or handle a situation in a constructively positive way, recognize and praise them for it. This will encourage them to keep on moving along those lines and this will make them find more positive solutions to their issues instead of resorting to bullying.
8. Support the school disciplinary plan
Partner with the school and support the disciplinary mechanism they have in place for such behavior. Make your child understand that choices come with consequences. Make them own up to the choices they made by facing the consequences of such choices. Rescuing them from the school only encourages them to continue their bad behavior.
9. Tell your child that he or she can change
It is very important that your child understands that they can change. To make this effective, try to teach the child new skills, problem-solving skills; make him/her understand that there is always an alternative to violence and aggression. There is always a better way to resolve a tough situation and that way is not through violence.
Conclusion
Bullying is bad for your child, especially if he/she is the bully. If your child is a bully, it is very important that you start working on it and find ways to help him/her stop, don’t expect that your child will outgrow bullying when they grow up, because if you do, you are risking the fact that they might not, and bullying is worst in adulthood, because then it gets you into real trouble. Violence is not a problem solving method in the real world. As a parent you will also do well to set good example for your kids at home, give them the love, attention and affection they need, don’t let your child be invisible or powerless at home. Also teach your child to have empathy and respect for the person and feelings of others.
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