What To Do When Your Child Avoids Social Interaction

Sometimes it happens that our child appears shy, reserved, perhaps even anti-social. It can be quite frustrating having to deal with this and if not handled with caution, it might damage your relationship with your child and cause them to withdraw further.

It may be that your child is naturally shy and would prefer the comfortable fortress of solitude. They might see social interactions as awkward and burdensome and would rather avoid it. This might change as they grow older. On the contrary, your child might be battling more complex issues and might need help to get past them. There are different reasons why your child might clam up that are beyond ordinary shyness, it is important that you are able to identify the situation your child falls under. This article will focus on Selective Mutism.

Shyness or Selective Mutism

1. How to tell the difference

Is your child naturally bubbly at home or with close family? Does your child remain bubbly and open when out of this safe space or within a larger straighter circle? If they grow a bit quieter, that might be pretty normal. What isn’t normal is if they switch off completely and become unresponsive. This is a sign of selective mutism.  Selective mutism is easily misunderstood and often misdiagnosed, but if detected early it can be solved before it causes too much trouble.

According to child psychologist Kristen Eastman, Psy.D, children who suffer from selective mutism are often mistaken to be deliberately defiant or shy and it is generally expected that they will grow out of it. This is hardly the case. Selective Mutism is rooted in anxiety and a sort of underlying fear of “doing-it-wrong”. You child would fear to speak among classmates, grown-ups or any circle where there are other persons besides immediate family. This will generally impede their ability to function, in school and outside. Children who are merely shy can be coaxed into action, children with selective mutism cannot.

How To Recognize Selective Mutism

A child with selective mutism can typically be identified by an inability to communicate in certain social settings like school but is comfortable interacting with immediate family or really close circles, like home.

Although not gender specific, it has been observed that little girls are more susceptible to selective mutism than little boys. It is only most notable when your child ventures outside the confines of the home and into larger circles like pre-school.

Children with selective mutism battle extreme anxiety at the thought of doing the simplest of things, like saying hello, asking a question or even letting an adult know if they are in pain or uncomfortable. They could rightly be described as frozen, characterized by the inability to neither initiate nor respond when approached. This makes it difficult for the people around them to cope with them or help.

Other signs of Selective Mutism may vary from child to child and may be more or less extreme.

• In the extreme case, a child will only talk to immediate family members like their parents and siblings. All other persons meet a cold brick wall.
• In less extreme cases, the child may talk to extended family members whom they are more familiar with.
• Others may talk to other children their age but will not talk to adults besides family. In some cases, they might talk to the teacher when no one else is around or within hearing distance.

Although varying, these are all indications of Selective Mutism. The signs may be physical too and detectable if enough attention is paid and you know what to look for. Here are a few of the physical signs:

1. Frozen or unresponsive manner.
2. Rigid or stiff body posture.
3. Expressionless face – the child appears to be indifferent to the happenings around him/her.
4. Clinginess onto parents when entering into social settings.

This may come off as a statement of the obvious but as a parent, you have an extremely important role in detecting Selective mutism from the very beginning. If you feel like your child is acting strange, which you are bound to, thanks to your parental instincts, do not hesitate to act. It won’t hurt to talk to your doctor at the slightest suspicion. The earlier your child is diagnosed, the better for him or her and for you.

Doctors help children get over selective mutism by getting them to perceive social settings with less anxiety and more comfort. It is a gradual process but is quite effective.

There are a few things you can do as a parent to help your child too:

1. Try to reduce the possibility of situations where your child will be required to speak or will feel pressured to speak. If your child is not constantly put in an uncomfortable situation in social settings it will help reduce the negativity that they associate with social settings. Basically, this means that you should avoid putting your child on the spot and especially do not keep talking about the child not speaking.
2. Focus on making your child comfortable. You already know what to expect of your child in social situations, this will allow you to prepare for it. What could help is getting to an event earlier than everyone else and perhaps even practicing before getting to the place? This will gently ease your child into the situation, a little bit more prepared. Anything that you can do to help your child lighten up will be extremely useful.
3. Not putting your child on the spot does not mean you do not communicate with him/her. That would give rise to a very difficult situation. An alternative would be communicating in a way that won’t require verbal responses. Questions that you put to your child should be answerable by a nod, a shake of the head or by a hand gesture.
4.  While making sure to keep your child comfortable, you can gradually provide opportunities for them to warm up to new persons or settings. Here’s how, get your child into a situation where they are comfortable and interacting very freely, then introduce one new person. Do not do this too often or you might overwhelm your child. As long as you take it slow and keep in mind that your child’s comfort is extremely important, you can gently challenge him/her to improve. Set reasonable goals and work towards them.
5. Getting in social situations is an important part of your child recovery progress. Keeping them in social isolation will be counter-productive. For that reason, you need to be ready to maneuver the dark, foreboding alleys of social gatherings. It is highly likely to be stressful in the initial stages, but you will soon notice that your child’s anxiety will ebb and they will be more relaxed around other people.

You will most certainly need professional help in dealing with Selective Mutism. Your efforts will serve as a complement to the doctor’s. Together, you can pull through it. Failure to get help may result in worsened anxiety and chronic social impediment. Talk with your physician to create a plan to help your kid.

Knowing When Your Child Is Just Shy

A lot of children get labeled as shy, especially in the pre-school and even the elementary school stages. Having a shy child doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all. On the contrary, it may actually be a good thing. Regardless, shyness may turn out negative if it is handled the wrong way.

One way you can tell if a child is just shy and not suffering from selective mutism is; a shy normally child does not totally avoid eye contact, although generally quiet, polite, and well behaved. They do not tense up or become completely unresponsive and people are comfortable in their presence.

There is no need to point out your child’s shyness in front of strangers. There is nothing wrong with being shy and you don’t have to be apologetic about it. Contrary to the general misconception that a shy child most likely has a poor self- image or esteem, many shy children have no problems with self-image, they are merely introverts – deep thinkers who would rather hold the conversations inside their heads. They are also very observant and great listeners.

You might be tempted to help your kid rise out of their shyness, but you really need to be careful with it, if you push too hard you might only succeed in making things worse. Your kid is likely to grow out of their shyness.  Just endeavor to understand him/her. Your child is a caring, sensitive introvert who doesn’t warm up to strangers quite as fast. Keep them comfortable.

Good Luck and all the best wishes.