What To Do When Your Child Does Not Like To Share

Children are angels, most of the time sweet, generous and adorable. As they grow and start to interact with the people around them and other children, they start to develop habits and new behaviors. Growing up is a process and involves a lot of things sharing being one of them.

Some kids don’t like to share. Whether it is sharing toys, food, or the use of the slide, they just don’t like the idea of sharing, because sharing leaves them with a sense of loss or a diminished experience and not with joy. It’s like your child’s playroom is bursting with toys, yet whenever a friend comes over, your child wants whichever neglected toy his pal reaches for. A struggle ensues, and soon the fun and laughter are replaced with tears and tantrums. This doesn’t mean your child is bad or selfish, it’s just that kids sometimes have a problem practicing the culture of sharing, they are more appreciative of the culture of ownership; to them ‘it’s mine’ is the language they understand the most and prefer it to ‘let’s share’.

Children’s authentic generosity shows up in areas that we often don’t notice or don’t approve of. For example, they assume that guests can stay forever and don’t see why they should leave and they see food in every home as their own. They share clothes and beds easily, they love giving gifts, hugs, and love. Children are generous, it’s just that they also like to keep certain personal things and experiences to themselves, just like adults.

Why Kids Don’t Share

This is a question that has been asked many times. Why do some kids hate to share? Why would they want to keep it all to themselves even when they don’t need it? Why would a child refuse to hand over the steering wheel at the park even though his turn is over? There are a lot of reasons responsible for this, and as stated above, young children to understand the concept of sharing, they just prefer to keep what’s theirs to themselves.

Here are a few common reasons:

1. Kids get it they just don’t care

Kids understand the concept of sharing very well, they know what it means, and even accept the fact that they should share. But when it comes to doing the actual sharing, they don’t share. This has been proven in research. Children know that it is good to share and that they should share, they even expect other children to share their stuff with them, but whenever it comes to the actual sharing, they find it difficult to practice what they preach.

2. Sharing is not the culture at home

It is true that most parents are so concerned about encouraging their children to share, yet they themselves don’t share and the child is seeing this every day. If sharing is so good why is it that mum never shares her iPhone with her friends or her car with the neighbors? You may not know it, but your child is watching your every move and when you ask him to share his favorite toy with another kid at the park whom he had just met, he will probably refuse because he has never seen you give your car keys to a total stranger at the park to go have some fun with it.

3. There is nothing to gain

Like adults, kids also think about what they have to gain by sharing. Mostly all they have to gain is have other kids share their own toys with them too. To some kids, this will not be enough especially if their toys are better that those of the other kids. It gets better with age though, kids from two to six years old are the most likely not to share, but starting seven upwards, they start to share on their own and it gets better as they get older.

How to Teach Your Child To Share

Like every other behavior and habit, kids can be taught to share too. As you know, sharing is important for your child because it teaches generosity and selflessness among other things. So, if your child does not like to share, here are a few tips you can use to help your child start sharing his stuff with other kids:

1. Practice what you preach

If you are always asking your child to share with other kids, you have to make sure you share too. You child has to see the habit in you. Kids learn by observing and the first person they learn from is you. And the best way to teach them is not to tell them what to do, is to do it yourself while they watch. Only then will they accept and practice what you are asking them to. Don’t just speak, act too, don’t just point the way, lead it yourself.

2. Encourage turn-taking

Another way to help you kid learn to share is by encouraging him to take the turn in using the said toy, slide, swing etc. instead of keeping it all for himself, encourage him to give to the other kid for some time after which he can also have it for some time. This way, they both got to play with the toy, slide, swing etc. at the same while playing with each other. It is easy and effective and soon your child will learn to share. He will learn that just because he gives an item up, it doesn’t mean he won’t have it again. Turn-taking reassures him he can still share without giving up his chance at playing with a toy or game.

3. Praise your child for sharing

Children respond best to positive reinforcement. You will have more luck praising your child when he is behaving than pointing out when he is not. No one likes to learn where he went wrong or the ways he hasn’t been behaving. This applies to sharing as well. Praise him when he shares with others, no matter how small the gesture. You might praise him for thinking of others, for taking turns or offering a beloved toy to his little brother. These simple praises will be more effective at promoting sharing than reprimanding him each him he doesn’t.

4. Don’t solve their social conflict

This is very important, and a lot of parents do it. You hear the kids fight, and your first instinct is to rush to the room and put an end to it. The whining and yelling are grating to your ears. You also don’t want their fight to get any worse. And sometimes, it seems like what a “good parent” should do. Well, sometimes a good parenting move would be to hang back for a minute or so, even if it seems like they are not getting anywhere. You will find that they will come up with creative solutions for sharing, such as dividing it up or taking turns. Other times, they realize they don’t care much about it anymore and just move on.

But they won’t learn any of that if every time there is a disagreement you jump in right away. Worse, they won’t know they have the ability to solve their own conflicts without the help of an adult.

5. Avoid punishing your child for not sharing

Sharing is a normal behavior like all other behaviors. Children especially younger ones have no concept of sharing. Toddlers truly believe that everything in sight is theirs for the taking. They don’t understand that the swing at the park belongs to the park and can be used by anyone. It is really hard for them to give up their playing items to other kids.

Remember this is natural and normal and as stated earlier, punishing your child for not sharing will not make him share. If anything, it will only probably make him rebel against you and this could lead to worse behaviors. So encourage your child to share, but don’t force him. If he doesn’t want to share, let it be or find other ways to make him share, but don’t force or punish him for not sharing,

6. Connect with your child

Sharing is supposed to be a reciprocal process; a child gives as he is given to. Children who receive attachment parenting during the first two years are more likely to become sharing children in the years to come, for two reasons. Children learn from experience, so the child who has been on the receiving end of the generosity follows the same trend and becomes generous himself. However, the child who does not experience this kind of parenting is likely to be the opposite. Attachment parenting leaves the child secure, and the child who feels secure and right is more likely to share.

Conclusion

Sharing is an integral part of life, and it is very important that your child learns to share. It is normal to not share, but as a parent, this is something you can help your child remedy. The steps above, if followed, will yield remarkable results.