What To Do When Your Child Depends Way Too Much On You

Every parent’s first instinct is to protect their child and to make sure that they’re safe and that all their basic needs are made available. But inasmuch as a parent would always want to be there for their kids, it’s also part of parenting to know when to teach and let your kids do certain things for themselves. This leads to the kids being overly dependent on their parents.

It is surprising to know that there are a lot of parents who keep their kids dependent without even knowing what they’re doing or how harmful it is for their kids. This is called overparenting.

7 Signs That You Are Overparenting Your Kids:

What is overparenting? This refers to when a parent attempts to micromanage a child’s life. Overparenting usually comes from a parent’s desire to manage their own discomfort as they can’t stand seeing their child get hurt, fail, or make a mistake. At other times, parents feel guilty about disciplining their child and they refuse to enforce consequences.

Ongoing hypervigilance and overindulgence can have serious consequences and some of these consequences involve: stunting a child’s development and causing a child to become overly dependent.

Here are some warning signs that you’re overparenting your child:

1. You Get Into Power Struggles Over Little Things

Frequent power struggles can signal that you’re being too picky or too demanding. If you find yourself arguing with a 5-year-old about eating enough vegetables, or you’re getting into constant battles with your 15-year-old about the way she styles her hair, you may be preventing her from developing the independence she needs.

2. You Struggle to Let Your Child Make His Own Choices

Sometimes, it’s easy to assume there’s a “best way” or a “right way” to do everything but that assumption can lead to micromanaging your child’s every move. If you can’t let go and allow your child to explore new opportunities—like wearing clothes that don’t match or putting the bathtub on the roof when she’s playing with her dollhouse—it’s likely that you’re overparenting.

3. You Can’t Stand to See Your Child Fail

Nobody likes watching their child fail, but if you jump in to rescue your child whenever she experiences problems, she won’t learn from her mistakes. If you’re quick to tell her the right answer every time she’s struggling to figure out her homework or you intervene at the first hint of a problem during a play date, your child won’t develop problem-solving skills.

Sometimes, kids need to experience failure firsthand. Recovering from failure provides children with opportunities to discover how they can do things differently in the future.

4. You Worry About Many Issues Other Parents Don’t Worry About

If you’re always the only parent who seems concerned about your 6-year-old playing on the monkey bars at the playground, or you can’t stand the thought of your 13-year-old crossing the street with friends, it can be tempting to assume it’s because you’re more caring than the other parents.

But before drawing that conclusion, consider the possibility that you may be overparenting. If you don’t treat your child like a smart, competent human being, you may be cheating her from reaching her full potential.

5. You Argue With Adults Over How They Treat Your Child

If you find yourself frequently arguing with teachers, coaches, daycare providers, and other caregivers about their rules or the way your child is treated, it may mean you’re overparenting. Helicopter parents often call teachers to demand their child get a better grade or they forbid Grandma to allow the children to eat any sugar.

Trying to micromanage how other people treat your child all the time isn’t healthy. Kids benefit from learning from different rules in different environments.

6. You Struggle to Identify Age-Appropriate Expectations

Sometimes, overparenting stems from too high of expectations. For example, a parent may get a child involved in dozens of activities and may even manage a child’s free time to ensure that she’s always being productive.

At other times, overparenting results when parents have expectations that are too low. Parents who don’t believe their child is capable of behaving independently may do everything for him—like his homework—because they worry their child can’t do it right.

7. You Don’t Give Your Child Many Responsibilities

Overparenting often equates to overindulgence. If you don’t assign chores, or you don’t expect her to be independent, she won’t learn life skills. Sparing your child from responsibility will only harm her in the long-term.

Parenting your child in a way that prevents you from experiencing any anxiety isn’t healthy. It’s important to allow your child the freedom to be a kid. Overparenting can prevent your child from experiencing a rich and full childhood that will prepare her to become a responsible adult.

What To Do To Help Dependent Kids Become More Dependent:

While there are many paths that lead children to this dependent state, here are some coaching strategies:

1. Recognize what you may be doing to perpetuate the cycle

Often times, this problem is related to the child’s over-dependence upon caregivers to perform the functions of regulating emotional arousal. Instead of adapting to new situations and strong feeling states by self-monitoring and self-soothing, children have retreated to the willing arms of parents or parent surrogates. Continued reinforcement of this pattern robs the child of important opportunities to progress from emotional dependency to self-sufficiency. Consider whether your child’s dependency may be unconsciously serving some needs of your own.

2. Dependency is just as enslaving for the child. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that your child enjoys her dependency problems

While some of her behavior may appear overly dramatic or manipulative, it all springs from the same source. As children age, development dictates that they take pleasure in their new privileges and independence. If your child is not following this pattern, speak with her about what its like for her to see her peers managing their lives so differently and how trapped she feels by her clinginess. Assume that she is torn between the wish for and fear of separation and growth.

3. Once you have acknowledged her dilemma, appeal to her wish for growth.

Explain to her that she can be taught the skills of self-monitoring and self-soothing but it works best for her to take an active part in the plan. Like learning to ride a bike without training wheels, at first it can seem scary and wobbly but she will gradually feel steadier and more balanced. Ask her to pick one place where she would like to start “riding on her own,” such as making phone calls, accepting invitations for sleepovers, or handling her least favorite part of the school day with poise and confidence.

4. Demonstrate certainty that she can learn how to strengthen her “calm mind” and relax her body.

Explain that her thoughts send instructions about how she should feel and react to change and discomfort. If she sends negative or extreme messages, such as “I can’t stand this!” her feelings and tension make it seem like she can’t manage on her own. Suggest calming and empowering messages she can rehearse in her mind, such as “Change is not so bad” and “I can tolerate this for now.” Follow these up with exercises to promote bodily relaxation, such as soothing visual imagery and alternating between tensing and releasing muscle groups.

Conclusion

The ultimate goal is for the child to learn the skills of self-soothing so that she can cope with what is reasonably expected at her age. Self-soothing refers to the child’s capacity to maintain emotional equilibrium in the face of unwanted change, unexpected disappointment, and other minor adversities. Children lacking in these skills benefit from parents who take a proactive role in encouraging independence and supplying informed guidance to support their progress.