Every good parent’s dream is that their kids should be able to be honest with them majority of the time. It is, however, heartbreaking when you learn that your kids lie to you more often than they tell you the truth. You can’t exactly raise your kids up the right way when they’re mostly lying to you. So the big question is, how exactly do you keep your kids from lying to you? Do you punish them each time they lie or do you shout at them?
Read on to learn how to handle such situations but before diving into that, you must also understand some of the reasons why kids lie.
10 Reasons Why Kids Lie to Their Parents
1. Self-Protection
The biggest fear in every kid’s life is to be scolded and punished for their mischiefs. This is the reason why kids cook up different types of imaginary stories to save themselves from their parents’ scolding. As they see all doors shut for escaping, they tell a fib. From putting the blame on siblings or pets to forming false excuses for not studying, kids use all these tactics to get away from the anger of their parents. They feel insecure while telling the truth, knowing that it could lead to thrashing and scolding from their parents. Slowly, with time this becomes a habit as they feel safe to take refuge in telling lies.
2. A ‘No’ from Parents
Kids often lie for the fear of being denied by parents what they ask for. Sometimes they wish to go for a party or a simple get together at a friend’s place but the previous experience of not getting consent from parents pushes them to cook up lies like they are going for a group study or to take notes from a friend. Kids fail to understand the reason behind the denial and this leads them to take the support of lies. However, if a parent opens up with the child about why he/she is denied to do certain work, there would be no space to keep secrets or tell lies.
3. To Maintain a Good Image
Many times, parents compare their children with others and this creates a sense of jealousy as well as despair in the child. In order to be praised and loved by their parents, kids often tend to tell lies to their parents. This could be seen when some of the kids try to tamper with their report card marks or boast about being praised by teachers in the school when they are, on the contrary, often scolded at school. The best way to restrain to a child from doing so is not to nag him/her all the time by comparing with others and try to explore and encourage the hidden talents they might have.
4. Idolization
Kids generally start following one or the other celebrity, movie character or even cartoons for that matter and try to take inspiration from the characters they see on T.V. They feel inclined to imitate their idols and sometimes go to the extent which is not appropriate for them. Sometimes, kids take bad examples and try to talk, act and behave as their idols do and this takes them to a wrong path. Suppose they idealize a cartoon character which tells lies and bullies other people; the kid, trying to follow, would also start doing the same. In such cases, parents need to keep an intent eye on their kids and should control what their kids are watching and whom they are appreciating and following.
5. Profitable Motive
We know that today, almost every person is driven by their personal profits. Although we don’t inherit these selfish qualities by birth but imbibe these as we come in touch with the ways of the world. From a very early stage, kids start learning to work in order to gain some profits. The very basic example of this can be seen when a kid is told to study hard and get good marks in order to get gifts, chocolates or toys. This teaches them the hunger of taking profits and when they fail to stand up the expectations of parents, they lie.
6. Response
In the early stage of life, kids have the basic nature of speaking what is the truth but sometimes, parents fail to respond with patience and react in an explosive way. So, the next time, scared of the same kind of reaction which includes scolding and even beatings, the kid prefers to tell a lie so as to be exempted from the scolding or rude behavior of their parents. Suppose if a kid breaks some expensive vase and gets thrashing for accepting his/her fault, the next time he/she would tend to escape by putting the blame on someone else. The best way to deal with this situation is not to react with anger, rather handle it with patience and calm.
7. Restrictions put by Parents
Freedom is what every human is tempted to. Kids are often denied freedom of choice and are subjected to various types of restrictions like early curfew timings, how to dress, where to go and so on. Too many restrictions cause kids to lie to their parents. They do so in order to break away the chains and embrace freedom and openly opt for the choices they want to. They start making up stories at various occasions so as to escape further interrogations. It is good to keep kids in discipline but parents must also consider and see that it should not become a shackle for their kids.
8. Encounter with the lies of Parents
If you want to get good results from your kids, it is better to set good examples in front of them. Sometimes, kids come across the lies that parents have or had told in order to escape from a situation, be it for their personal lives or the professional. This imprints an image in the minds of the children and they feel it normal to tell a lie so as to come out of awkward situations.
9. Strained relationships
The environment within a family needs to be healthy and pleasant for the overall development of a child. In those families where relationships between parents or with other members are strained, kids feel trapped and if some adverse condition comes up, they try to dodge it with a lie to maintain the peace in the family. Kids then feel repose in telling lies and run away from speaking truth so as to bring peace to the family apparently.
10. Peer Pressure
For parents, it is important to keep an eye on what company their child is keeping. It is a widely accepted fact that, your personality is molded to a greater extent with the type of friends you hang around with. Sometimes, kids fall into a bad company where they are encouraged to tell fibs to their parents and teachers. They fall in the trap of such friends and behave in the same manner as others want them to, for the sake of creating a bold image in front of them.
10 Ways to Strengthen Honest Communication:
1. Listen to what is going on “underneath” the lie
One of the most profound shifts in our view of an interaction with children takes place when we realize — and I mean, truly get — that they make sense. Not necessarily “making sense” in the way of articulate reasoning, logic or clear communication. But that there is always a reason behind what they do. They don’t just do things for the heck of it. In this way, they make sense. And it is our task and responsibility as adults to decipher what that reason may be, to understand them more, to listen deeper, and to find out what that “sensemaking” is. While they are busy learning our language, we need to be busy learning their language. In the context of this article, what are they saying when they lie? There is a communication in that too. When we hear the message tucked in the lie, we are much better equipped to respond appropriately.
2. Consider your child’s developmental age
We — adults and children alike — grow through ages and stages. As we develop, our understanding and appreciation of fantasy and reality also develop. When dealing with a child whom we perceive is lying, it is important to include in our discernment and our response, where they are at in their developmental journey. When a 3-year-old says, “My grandma is very, very old, 200 years old! She’s gonna die soon,” he is not lying, he is simply expressing his own subjective view, as well as impressions he may have picked up, perhaps also watching for how others react to what he says. Or when a 4-year-old vehemently insists that she did “truly see a fairy peek from behind that rock over there,” she is playing with and exploring the line between the imaginary and the real. On the other hand, when an 8-year-old denies having played on his iPad when he was supposed to be finishing his homework, he is well aware of the difference between what really happened and what he is communicating. Different developmental stages require different responses.
3. Pay attention to the many ways your child expresses himself, not just the verbal ones
We can only be as honest with others as we are with ourselves. Thus, a child’s capacity, to be honest, is connected with his level of self-awareness and self-knowledge. Your son might say “I’m fine” or just “fine,” in response to your question, “How are you, how was our day?” not in order to fool you or to cover up what is really going on, but because the feelings are too complicated and confusing to put into words. He doesn’t actually know what he is feeling, so “fine” may be the best he can muster at the moment. This is another reason why it is so important to pay attention to the many ways a child speaks his truth — facial expression or lack thereof, gestures, body posture, art, music, energy, etc.
4. Make the connection with your child your first priority
The connection is the foundation for truth-telling; it is the ground upon which honesty grows. A well-connected child wants to share her heart with you. She wants, even needs and is compelled to let you know what is on her heart and mind. The connection is the strongest, most reliable preventative measure you can take against lying. Make time for it. See it as the one thing that shall not be compromised on.
5. Walk the talk
Show by example, model integrity yourself. Children learn primarily through imitation, or as Robert Fulghum says, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.” So, notice whether what you say and what you do align. When you promise your child, “I’ll be back in just a few minutes,” how accurate is that? Are your speech and your actions in alignment? Try to be consistent with your integrity, and accurate in your language. If, for example, your son asks you to watch him at his baseball game on the weekend and you are not sure you can fulfill his wish, then say something like, “I will do my best to be there” or “Help me remember that we are planning this,” rather than “Sure.” View your speech as sacred and use it mindfully.
6. Teach your child, from about 6-7 years up, that freedom goes hand in hand with responsibility
The natural progression of growing up includes expansion — a growth in freedom and also increasing levels of responsibility. Let your growing children know that when they, for example, misuse their growing freedom of speech (eg. by misguiding or hurting others), there is a natural consequence: they become less trustworthy, and in a future moment/situation this could really impact them. If you find them lying to you, discuss with them how they can make good. How can they earn your trust back? Find ways for them to rebuild the broken bridge. And if you find yourself lying, apologize, take responsibility for yourself and make good. Make it clear that being believed is initially granted to all, and then, as we grow older, a privilege earned.
7. Be a safe haven, a welcoming receptacle for everything
This does not mean you have to agree with everything your child tells you! It does mean that if your child senses you are closed, judgmental, anxious, or might overreact around a particular subject, she may very well choose not to divulge what is on her heart and mind. One of the best ways to ensure that your child will keep telling you what is going on in her life is to notice where you yourself are stuck and frozen and to deal with those topics and feelings. Face into them, unfreeze yourself — be these topics of sexuality, money, power, religion, or any area of life around which you feel a contraction. This is ongoing work, and can also be done on the spot. One mother was telling me how she felt herself freeze as her 15-year old surprised her with a sexual inquiry. As she caught herself freezing, she said to her daughter, “Honey, hang on a sec, I just need a moment, and then I’d love to hear what is on your mind.” She took a few deep breaths, remembered her commitment to wanting to be available for all of it, and then gave her daughter her full attention and open mind, more glad to be in touch and aware of what her daughter was curious about than to protect herself from what feelings this might bring up. The beautiful thing about this practice is that the old adage, “And the truth shall set you free…“ works for all involved. The more we unfreeze, the freer we become.
8. Teach your children the value of truth-telling
Passing on values is a huge part of parenting. If you don’t do it, everything else will — peers, media, the internet, society at large. So, how do you feel about the truth? Speak openly with your child, tell him about the sacred nature of words and of agreements. Words mean something, we rely on them to know what is going on for each other. Agreements are sacred, they matter and are to be honored (unless otherwise communicated or in an exceptional situation). We need to be able to trust each other’s words, else it is very difficult to trust one another. Teach your children how much more simple it is, to tell the truth. As Sir Walter Scott said perceptively, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice deceiving.“ It is a web that we quickly trip up and get lost in. Point this out to them when it happens, and bring awareness to the freeing effect of telling the truth, the goodness and the unburdening effect telling the truth has.
9. Dare to be vulnerable
Tell your children that you rely on them telling you the truth. You are dependent on their willingness to share. You can try to guess, but really, their truth is something they can choose to give you or not. Building trust between you takes both of you. Apologize for any times you have been out of integrity. See it as a journey you are both on.
10. Realize that there is The Truth, and then there is the Subjective Truth
A lot of the time we are dealing with the latter while speaking as if we are dealing with the former. If you reflect on what you deeply and truly know to be true — the without-a-doubt-deep-in-your-bones-knowing, such as “Love is good” — the list is likely not that long. Understanding this doesn’t relativize everything, but it puts it in context and helps you consider in any given moment whether what is being perceived by you as a lie may indeed simply be a differing subjective truth. And that there is space for more than one subjective truth. So, when you are feeling uncertain about whether your child is telling you the truth, don’t jump to conclusions and accusations. Inquire first. See if you can find out how and why they are “making sense” in the way they are.
Conclusion
Once our children become older and have internalized the value and habit of speaking the truth and showing up with integrity, we can introduce them to the finer nuances of truth-telling, which include skillful means, awareness of what someone is ready to hear, and a weighing of various perspectives.
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