What To Do When Your Child Does Something Mean

Kids can be little loveable angels at times, other times, they can do things that would have you wondering what actually came over them. In some of these cases, the kids aren’t aware that they’re being mean. In other cases, they’re actually very aware of what they’re doing. In any case, you still need to take seriously when you see your child being mean.

Why Are Kids Mean?

Over the years, psychologists all around the world have been doing studies to discover some of the underlying reasons why kids tend to be mean, especially to other kids.

What makes little kids mean, and why are some meaner than others? Is it in their DNA, the media they consume, or their home environment? There’s no one answer to this question, but there are a few things we know about what brings out the dark side of little kid behavior.

1. Testing social dynamics

In the preschool years, kids begin to figure out social structures and learn how to be effective in a group. If close attention is paid to kids during school hours, it’s clear that a lot of the insults, grabbing, and put-downs are part of this experimentation with social dynamics. If I do x, will my friend do y? So kids get to learn that meanness can draw attention and wield power. If a child rises to the top of the pack by intimidating or putting down others, it’s a technique that might just stick.

2. Television

We’ve all heard that violent screen time make kids more physically aggressive. But surprisingly, educational TV (which most of our kids watch regularly) seems to make kids mean in a different way. Shocking, right?

Studies have shown that the more educational television kids watch, the more relationally aggressive (manipulative, insulting, and so forth) they are to their peers. Shows like PBS’ Arthur seem innocuous, but the lessons aren’t as desirable as we think. Researchers say that children’s programming contains a heavy dose of name-calling and put-downs that parents would never condone if it happened in real life. Even though the end of a show might have a nice moral conclusion, if 90 percent of the screen time is rude and hurtful, that will be the takeaway.

Listen to the content of your kid’s shows to see how they stack up when it comes to relational aggression. How often does a character insult or boss another around? It’s hard to find media that doesn’t hinge on this type of banter (in fact, researchers have found that most kids shows do).

3. The home front

There’s no doubt that kids learn a lot about how to treat others from how they are treated at home. Harsh parenting, including verbal and physical aggression, increases the likelihood that a kid will, in turn, be aggressive (although for kids who are wired sensitively, this seems to not be the case — they tend to internalize their struggles rather than lash out, so they may not be the ones who bully on the playground).

Studies show that high marital conflict can spark behavioral problems, too, particularly when parents fighting turns nasty. A child who is mean or aggressive at school could be acting out the interactions he sees at home or working through his feelings about them. As parents, we don’t have to worry about every little spousal tiff, though, since constructive fighting (in which parents vet feelings, listen to each other, and come to solutions) can actually boost a child’s level of social skill.

4. Temperament

Yes, parenting is important, but kids who are mean may be wired differently as well. For example, children who show impulsive-hyperactive behavior in early childhood are more likely to be physically aggressive in middle childhood. The ability to control impulses is a work in progress through adolescence (and into adulthood), but some kids are innately better at this than others, and these kids are less likely to act out.

Having a good “theory of mind” (the ability to see things from another person’s perspective) also helps kids play nicely and respect each other’s feelings. If a child is empathetic and appreciates that he has an impact on his friend, he’s less likely to be mean. For example, earlier this year, in a study in the Journal of Child Psychology & Psychiatry, researchers found that kids who had a poor theory of mind skills at age five were more likely to both bully, and be bullied, at age 12. Parents can help here by talking to kids about their own feelings and how they affect other people (for example, by recognizing the meaning of facial expressions), starting in toddlerhood. Yes, some of our little ones are naturally wired empathetically, but this ability can be nurtured and taught, too.

Whatever the reason, each of our kids will encounter (or at times, be) the meanies of the world. What can we do, as parents? It’s so hard to sit back and resist the impulse to jump in and save our kids from every negative encounter. Of course, we can’t. But if we’re aware of the roots of meanness and understand where it comes from, maybe we can make sense of it in our own minds, treat it as a growing experience, and ultimately help our budding little beings learn how to be kind and compassionate people.

How to Handle Your Child’s Meanness

As parents, when you see your child acting mean, it can bring on a flurry of emotions. You’re surprised and baffled: how could he do such a thing?! You’re irritated: she knows better! You’re worried: he won’t have any friends if he keeps acting that way! Is the other child hurt? And, if there are other adults around, you may also feel embarrassed: maybe they’ll judge you because your kid is acting mean.

With all these emotions churning, the instinctive response is to scold and punish. But punishment doesn’t teach kids the right way to act.

If tempers are running high, insisting that your child take a short break so everyone can calm down could be a good idea. Distraction or redirection, such as a timely “Who wants a snack?” question, can also be useful for diffusing conflict. But if things are not too heated, this could be a teachable moment.

Children act mean because they’re impulsive, they don’t know better ways to solve problems, and their empathy isn’t fully developed. “Induction” means guiding children to understand how their actions affect others. Punishment can make kids feel angry and resentful, but induction can teach them to make more caring choices.

Here’s how to use induction to help your child get back on track after doing something mean.

1. Describe the dilemma, using the word “and”

Children struggle to see beyond their own viewpoint. Framing the problem using the word “and” is a way to validate your child’s feelings while also acknowledging that there’s more to the picture. For instance, you could say, “You want to keep playing with play dough and Jason wants to go outside” or “You want to play with just the big kids and Meredith wants to play with someone, too.”

2. Explain how the other child is feeling

Research tells us that when parents talk about feelings, kids become better able to imagine someone else’s perspective. Spell out for your child how his or her actions affect the other child. You could say, “When you yell, ‘You’re not my friend anymore!’, Noah feels sad.”

3. Focus on moving forward

We can’t undo a mean act, so the goal has to be moving in a kinder direction. Ask your child, “What can you do to help your friend feel better?” or “What can we do that’s fair to everyone?” If your child resists, be patient. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and ask again. If your child still can’t come up with anything, offer two choices for how to move forward. You might say, “You could let your friend play with some of your cars or you could ask, in a kind voice, if he wants to play outside.”

4. Comment on the positive impact of your child’s kind action

While it’s important to help children understand when and how they’ve hurt a friend’s feelings, it’s also important to let them see that they have the power to take care of peers. For example, you could tell your child, “That was kind of you to let Maria use your markers. She is happy because you shared.”

Conclusion:

Bringing up your kids is not an easy task at all. It requires a lot of patience and even more importantly, a whole lot of intelligence. (Now you respect your parents more, don’t you?). It’s really important that you don’t react rashly immediately you see your kids doing something wrong. Take out time, breathe, think, and then take action.